Part Two:
Did you and your former husband have any communication problems that had nothing to do with language?
Plenty. Many of the problems had to do with our expectations about the relationship. At the beginning there were the typical (as seen in your other interviews) issues relating to kikubari （気配り, which I think in your other interviews people referred to as "ki ga tsuku" (気がつく) which I think is not really the right way to describe it. "Ki ga tsuku" just means to notice something. "Kikubari" or the phrase "ki ga kiku" (気が利く) relate to consideration and sensitivity to others' needs and are probably closer to the real issue many non-Japanese partners face in their relationships. Of course, women are expected to do a better job at this than men, but I think it's an issue for both foreign men and women in relationships with Japanese partners.
One of our funniest cultural misunderstandings happened when he was sick with a bad cold when we were living in Osaka. I made him toast and gave him ginger ale because that was what I always had when I was sick as a kid. He thought I was nuts! He wanted to know where the okayu (rice porridge) was. We learned pretty quickly that our ideas of comfort foods were quite different.
Anyway, because I had a job, or two, for most of the marriage, aside from the year I spent at home when our daughter was an infant, I assumed my husband must believe that men and women are equals. His family was also quite different from the norm in that his dad did a lot of the cooking and housework and his mom worked outside the home and could often be seen kicking back at the kitchen table with a newspaper while otousan (Dad) made dinner. It took me a while to see that sharing in the housework didn't automatically mean my ex-husband actually had respect for women in general, or me in particular.
A lot of the issues were control issues that you see in dysfunctional relationships anywhere. There was a chipping away at my self esteem, social isolation, and emotional manipulation. I was "allowed" to work because I liked it and had higher earning potential once I had my master's degree and after he opted out of the salaryman track. But in his eyes it didn't count because I had fun at work and was doing what I liked. He did start an online business once our daughter was about 5 years old, but he ran it from the living room couch. He had no outside friends or interests and I became quite uncomfortable with being the primary earner of the family for years after our daughter was out of the infant and toddler stage. He said he didn't want to get a job working for someone else because then he wouldn't be able to travel during my school vacations. (We took two trips abroad every year during the long breaks in summer and in February-March.) There was a reversal of traditional roles in the marriage, but the roles were still there.
As the marriage was breaking down he told me the reason it wasn't working out was because he "let (me) have too much freedom." That was an eye opening statement for me. Also, during the divorce proceedings the attitude he displayed toward women in positions of authority was one of obvious disdain. In retrospect his (and his father's) attitudes toward women were not respectful and the belittling comments really had a cumulative effect over time. By the time I decided I’d had enough there was no communication, no affection, no sex and absolutely no fun left in the relationship. There were mainly just coping mechanisms, not all of them healthy ones.
We went to family counseling, but the main message I took away from that was that I would be my daughter's primary role model for what it means to be a woman. For her and my sake, I didn't think setting the example of being someone living unhappily in a relationship because that made it easier for everyone else was the role model I wanted to be. That sure wasn't who I was before I got married!
So you decided to divorce.
Yes, and the divorce was ugly, as most are. Luckily we were already living in the States at that time and we ended up sharing custody of our daughter. Legally, there is no such thing as shared custody in Japan. Our co-parenting is odd in that we do not actually speak to each other. He won't talk to me or be in the same place as me if he can avoid it. We communicate only by email. It's pretty awkward, but a therapist I spoke to about co-parenting told me the most important thing is to avoid being confrontational in front of our daughter. I had thought we needed to be able to at least be civil to each other and speak face to face, but apparently that's not the case. If we could, that would be great, but if email is the form of communication that works for everyone, then that is fine. And it has turned out to be fine. Our daughter has a good relationship with both of us. And the tone of the emails has softened over time and we rarely argue about anything anymore. I think once I decided to respect his boundaries and stop pushing for things to be the way I thought they ought to be, we were able to reach an equilibrium that works for the three of us.
You ended up divorcing, but were there some rewarding aspects to your cross-cultural marriage?
The most rewarding aspect has got to be our daughter. She is smart, funny, athletic, beautiful and bilingual. I'm glad we are both able to be fully involved in her life even though we are no longer a couple. The breakup of our marriage was very tough for my ex-husband and his sense of pride, but I'm glad his love and concern for our daughter succeeded in outweighing his acrimony toward me.
I learned so much about Japanese language and culture thanks to my marriage. It's hard for any foreigner to really become accepted as part of Japanese society. Men tend to do it by working in Japanese workplaces and taking on a typical man's role in the culture. For women, I think almost the only way to really "get inside" is to marry and become part of a Japanese family. I think that even now, in Japan your average woman is really only considered a full-fledged member of society when she is a wife and a mother. I realize many Japanese women are choosing other life paths, particularly in the cities, but I'd say there is still a lot of pressure on women in general to take on that role of wife and mother. And that same rule of thumb applies to foreign women. It's how you become a member of the community. Otherwise you remain on the outside and it's very hard to find any other way in.
What do you still find fascinating about Japanese culture? Frustrating?
I still find so many things fascinating and frustrating about Japanese culture. I find the family law system there very frustrating and feel very bad for the many foreign parents who have lost the chance to be a part of their children's' lives after divorce in Japan. These are primarily foreign dads, but there are also foreign mothers in the same situation. Actually, this is also a terrible problem for many divorced Japanese fathers because the courts overwhelmingly award custody to mothers and there is no cultural belief that children need both parents in their lives if the parents aren't together. I have a serious beef with that point of view.
I still love Japanese history and literature and am grateful that my job involves teaching about both.
I am fascinated by the attention to detail that is such an integral part of Japanese culture. I'm very much a "big picture" person and have learned a lot about the value of paying attention to details. And the food... Oh, I love the food in Japan. The food and the onsen. Now that's the way to relax!
And I also think the martial arts training I did there over the years taught me about patience, perseverance and mental toughness.
What type or martial arts training did you undertake?
I studied a few martial arts at different points. In my second year in Japan I studied Aikido quite intensively on a culture visa. I respect the principles of Aikido, but I think it takes years before one can use them proficiently in any real life situation. I also always sucked at ukemi and was constantly jamming my shoulder because I landed on it the wrong way. I spent about a year and a half doing Aikido.
I spent about 6 months training in Judo due to the influence of a boyfriend who was a judo-ka. I didn't stick with it long enough and never developed a real sense for it. I took a belt test way before I was ready and got schooled by a middle school girl. Twice. Judo helped me determine that I really do not like getting thrown.
My last foray into martial arts was with a new, hybrid, mixed martial arts form based on karate that also combines elements of ground fighting (jujitsu), kickboxing and capoeira. I was active for about two years in this style and consider it to be the place I learned the most about mental toughness and discipline.
You have kept your Japanese last name for professional reasons and because it is your daughter’s last name. Has having a Japanese last name caused any misunderstandings for you? Do people assume you are of Japanese descent?
Where I live no one knows what to make of my name or how to pronounce it. If people do know enough to know it is a Japanese name, I am certainly not who they expect to see when they meet me.
The name caused confusion in Japan, as well. There were plenty of times when I was told to sit back down at the bank or the doctor's office when my name was called because no one could fathom why a gaijin lady would have a Japanese family name.
But I just like messing with peoples' expectations and this name does that. My last name and my appearance are incongruous and it catches people a little off guard initially. I don't mind that.
Does your daughter visit Japan regularly? Is she interested in Japanese traditional/and or pop culture?
When we lived in Japan we spent several months a year back in the States. We have lived in the US now for almost 7 years and she went back to Japan for the first time since the move last summer. She went with her father and spent a month at her grandparents' house. She is much less interested in Japanese culture, particularly pop culture, than many of my students. She acknowledges the Japanese part of her identity, but it's not of great interest to her at this point in time.
Do you think you will remarry?
No. I am happily coupled and living with my boyfriend, but not interested in marrying again. I may be a case of once bitten, twice shy, but I'm quite content with the way things are now and see no reason to change it.
Thanks, Pamela, for an illuminating interview!
—Wendy Nelson Tokunaga conducted this interview. She is the author of the novels, Love in Translation and Midori by Moonlight. Get more info at: http://www.WendyTokunaga.com
