Comments on Chirashi: A Japan Culture Blog: Love in Translation: Foreign Wife, Japanese Husban...

I'm sorry to hear the disappointing news. All ...

2011-07-22T08:53:17.697-07:00

I'm sorry to hear the disappointing news. All I can say is ganbatte! If it's meant to be, something will happen, if not, shikata ga nai. :-( Hope you enjoy the book. Let us know if anything changes!

Thanks Wendy. I still not able to add my profile t...

2011-07-22T04:27:59.300-07:00

Thanks Wendy. I still not able to add my profile to this post:(. I ordered the book..looking forward to read... Unfortunately the Japanese man read the "love confession" letter and he has not asnwered in 2 weeks. He is kindly avoiding me...
Typical Japanese way of saying no (?)..
A bit sad , any suggestion ?Thanks

Wow! Sounds very interesting and exciting. I hope ...

2011-07-12T07:34:18.275-07:00

Wow! Sounds very interesting and exciting. I hope things work out for you. :-) Yes, the book will probably be insightful for you but each person's situation is, of course, different. That's great that you have so much experience with living and working in Japan, which is sure to be a big help. Keep us posted and good luck!

Dear all, Thanks for the posting. It has been ver...

2011-07-12T05:50:44.962-07:00

Dear all, Thanks for the posting. It has been
very interesting to read. I am overwhelmed. I lived and worked 7 years in Japan as Engineer and Team Leader. I am an Italian lady. Last year I came back to Europe , and now I work for a Japanese-German company. Here I met a Japanese colleague and ..I fell in love with him. Splendid man, shy and very courteous. We are at a point that I confessed to him thru a letter..and waiting for his answer. I am trying to understand if this love has a future and how I should deal with him...please advice! Surely I will order and read the book.

I really feel for you. I don't know how immine...

2011-05-07T09:25:55.929-07:00

I really feel for you. I don't know how imminent this decision might be, but if it's far into the future, things could change and the situation might not be exactly what you surmise. Your husband is probably under pressure -- a kind of "no win" situation that a lot of expats find themselves in, including a large amount of guilt. I know it's not easy. The only thing that can help is having at least an ongoing, open dialogue with your husband. I don't know if the book will offer any answers, but you'll at least continue to know that you're not alone. :-)

Thanks, Wendy. I will read your book. I think on...

2011-05-07T07:59:18.824-07:00

Thanks, Wendy. I will read your book.

I think one of the difficult things for most of us is that the parents weren't in the picture at all when we met, and our boyfriends seemed much more western. After marriage, it seems the parents suddenly appear making demands. My father-in-law will visit making demand after demand,"I want steak.", "I want crab". There is no reciprocity in this relationship.

When I picture the future, and my husband caught in the dilemma of living with his parents to assist them or staying in the US, I get overwhelmed and resentful. I can't imagine that his parents would actually have him put everything at risk: his finances, his job, his family. But my husband won't even discuss his parents' future plans with them. It will not be an easy time when he has to make that decision. And I will probably not join him if he decides to give everything up because he is a chonan. This is the area where our cultural differences appear. My children's futures are more important than anything, and for him to put all of that at risk is incomprehensible for me. Sorry, I'm venting and rambling.

I am grateful to this blog. I realize I am not alone.

I think that's an interesting phenomenon, whic...

2011-05-03T18:06:33.628-07:00

I think that's an interesting phenomenon, which is probably not that uncommon, especially with couples living in Japan and close to the husband's family. And if he's a chonan (first son), it's even worse. In my e-book, Marriage in Translation: Foreign Wife, Japanese Husband there are several interviews with foreign women who have married first sons and it definitely can be challenging. Good luck to you!

I'm American married to a Japanese man, too. ...

2011-05-03T10:11:11.885-07:00

I'm American married to a Japanese man, too. Does it ever seem to anyone that your husband takes care of his family more than he does of you and your children? I understand "giri" on a surface level, but this sense of duty and obligation to his family baffles me. In addition, his relationship with his family seems so materially based. Does anyone else experience this?

wow better marriage then me

2010-06-07T22:25:08.325-07:00

wow better marriage then me

Anonymous - Hope you guys can work it out. Maybe a...

2010-05-21T08:10:00.885-07:00

Anonymous - Hope you guys can work it out. Maybe a heart-to-heart talk is in order. Good luck and thanks for your support!

My Japanese husband seems to have forgotten about ...

2010-05-21T08:04:38.561-07:00

My Japanese husband seems to have forgotten about Ki ga tsuku since arriving in Australia from Japan eight years ago (we've been married for ten and I lived and worked in Japan for five). I seem to run around anticipating his needs however, so it appears I've become more "Japanese" than either he or I would care to admit!! Or is Ki ga tsuku less about being caring and attentive and more about conforming to expectation?? Hmmm, having given up my career to be a stay-at-home mum, I wouldn't mind a bit of Ki ga tsuku being directed my way from time to time....he he he. Great to find this thread. Wendy, I'll definitely be buying your books.

Anonymous, thank you for your nice words. The bott...

2010-02-05T15:54:00.477-08:00

Anonymous, thank you for your nice words. The bottom line for me is that women and men should be able to choose their roles within their own families through communication and compromise, and without strict expectations from society.

Wendy, this website and subject in particular is w...

2010-02-05T15:50:30.569-08:00

Wendy, this website and subject in particular is well overdue. I'm glad you are in the position to write about it and make us all aware. It is interesting when you say there are fewer marriages between Japanese men and western women. Traditionally we are seen as more forceful here in the west and not content to be 'just housewives' (although I personally think a housewife is very important and the world may be more contented if there were more of them and less of us career gurus).

I hope to see and hear more about your experiences and may I say how happy you both look in the photo. Spread this joy around for all of us. Lets see some more Japanese men in England too!

Thanks for your comments, Nihai, Aki and yuichi. I...

2009-11-21T09:18:02.609-08:00

Thanks for your comments, Nihai, Aki and yuichi. I too find myself looking for "ki ga tsuku" in the U.S., especially after spending time in Japan. And I'm always so surprised when I find some! :-)

I can identify with the issues arising from ki ga ...

2009-11-19T11:10:48.785-08:00

I can identify with the issues arising from ki ga tsuku in our marriage. However, I love that no one pours wine in my cup (perhaps after the first) in the US. I don't drink much, and I like my cup empty after a while, but this sentiment is not "respected" when I was in Japan. In Japan, pouring wine is a custom, not so much the result of ki ga tsuku on a particular situation and individuals.

Thanks for sharing these details about your relati...

2009-11-18T19:09:52.344-08:00

Thanks for sharing these details about your relationship. I find cross cultural situations endlessly fascinating, as my parents are Okinawan (mom) and American/Caucasian (dad). In terms of the "ki ga tsuku" complication in a marriage, I've experienced this a lot - I'm the one guilty of expecting my husband (who grew up in Austria) to anticipate my feelings. I guess that's where my Japanese kokoro shines through!

Smiling Hello:) I enjoyed reading your story. Inte...

2009-11-18T10:30:50.135-08:00

Smiling Hello:)
I enjoyed reading your story. International marriages with japanese are also popular in our community.

For the record, he always notices when my glass is...

2009-11-11T22:57:29.091-08:00

For the record, he always notices when my glass is almost empty and fills it.

Lulu, thank you so much!

2009-11-11T08:03:56.608-08:00

Lulu, thank you so much!

Gaijin-mama, I think "ki ga tsuku" is be...

2009-11-11T08:03:43.546-08:00

Gaijin-mama, I think "ki ga tsuku" is best when it's equal between both parties. :-)

It is very interesting to read how you met your hu...

2009-11-08T22:34:20.745-08:00

It is very interesting to read how you met your husband and how your life together in a mixed marriage has gone. I am just starting out in marriage but have been with my husband for almost 5 years now...

I look forward to reading your new book- I have just purchased your first book and it is on my shelf next in line to be read!

My husband and I have been married for seventeen y...

2009-11-08T16:20:42.901-08:00

My husband and I have been married for seventeen years, and ki ga tsuku still causes problems, like when we're eating dinner and I don't notice that his wine or water glass needs filling. As an American, relaxing at home, my feeling is that he can fill the glass himself. To him, I am self-centered and inattentive.